


I Wanna Live A Life From A New Perspective

by orphan_account



Category: Bandom, Cobra Starship, Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, The Academy Is...
Genre: Cheating, Coming of Age, Depression, Emotional Manipulation, M/M, Mental Breakdown
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-27
Updated: 2013-07-07
Packaged: 2017-12-13 02:31:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/818927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brendon Urie is fed up with being Ryan Ross' doormat. After one regretful night, he begins to review and rethink his entire life and relationship with Ryan Ross.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> More of the tags will become relevant as the story continues. This story is heavily inspired by the song New Perspective, of course, as well as the film Forrest Gump and the relationship between Forrest and Jenny.

Brendon glanced over to Ryan’s sleeping frame. He was bare, he was nude. He should have looked vulnerable like this. He was laying there, practically begging to be held and caressed. Brendon watched as a chill came over the thin boy’s body. Brendon responded by pulling the covers over him more. He watched as Ryan grabbed the comforter and pressed into it. He indulged in the warmth, as if it had just appeared there. That there was not a reason that it happened. But things did not just happen like that. There was always a reason. And in almost every aspect of Ryan Ross’ life, that reason was Brendon Urie. But of course, Ryan never knew this. Ryan never knew how much Brendon did for him. He never knew how much Brendon cared, how much Brendon loved him.

Brendon watched the other sleeping. He was sleeping in Brendon’s bed, on Brendon’s side no less. This didn’t surprise Brendon. Ryan never had much respect for boundaries, especially things that were Ryan’s. Brendon could recall the huge pile of toys that Brendon had broken when they were kids, as well as that nice bump in the rear side of his car. He had stolen his cookies when they were kids, and now he had stolen Brendon’s virginity. Brendon was still in shock over what just happened. He should not be so surprised. He was twenty-five, kids ten years younger than him were having sex. But not only did he have sex. He had sex with Ryan. Ryan fucking Ross.

Brendon was supposed to be saving himself. He was engaged, he was engaged to a beautiful girl. He loved Sarah with all of his heart. She was a good girl, she was talented, she was beautiful, she had faith. Brendon’s parents loved that about Sarah. They always hated that about Ryan. That ‘Ross kid’ was a ‘bad influence’ on Brendon. Even today, when Brendon was twenty-five, the ‘Ross kid’ was still a bad influence on him. His parents knew that he still kept in contact with Ryan, which they hated. Brendon wished he stopped letting his parents dictate so much about his life. He had only just moved out, yes, but he still felt like he lived at home. They called every day, asking mundane questions about the wedding, Sarah, and if Brendon was going to invite the ‘Ross kid’. Ryan was turning twenty-six in August and he was still the ‘Ross kid’, to his parents. He wondered how his parents would react if he told them that he was just fucked like a shameless whore by the Ross kid.

Not that Brendon would ever tell them about this sexual encounter with Ryan. He didn’t want to tell /anyone/ about this, especially not Sarah. He and Sarah were supposed to be waiting until after marriage before they engaged in anything sexual. Brendon had been more than okay with saving himself for Sarah. He was not an overly sexual person and he did want his first time to be special. He watched how many sexual partners Ryan had throughout the years, and how broken it often made him. Brendon used to wonder why Ryan kept having heartless sex with strangers. He always seemed so angry and frustrated in the end. It was only just now, after being one of those heartless sex partners that Brendon realized why Ryan did what he did. He did not have it in his heart to be committed to one single person. Ryan could not recognize love, nor could he dedicate to one person in particular. Brendon had been hopelessly in love with Ryan since he was eight years old. He was Ryan’s doormat for seventeen years. He gave Ryan everything he wanted, he took so much of the blame for Ryan’s faults, he let Ryan do whatever he pleased, without even so much as a ‘thank you’. He had been pining for Ryan’s affection for more than half of his life. He had been stupid tonight. He thought he had it tonight. He thought he had it when Ryan was kissing him, when Ryan was holding him, when Ryan was telling him how sexy he looked, when he was being intimate with Ryan. Brendon had been naive though. He mistook all of Ryan’s motives, all of Ryan’s words, for love and passion. He was so blinded by his love for the other man. All it ended up doing was hurting him. 

Ryan was odd. Ryan would step out of Brendon’s life for months. The year that Brendon turned twenty-two, he didn’t hear from Ryan for that entire year. And just when Brendon thought he escaped the addiction, when he thought he was finally free from his passion for Ryan Ross, he’d get a phone call or an e-mail. A call or e-mail asking how he’s been, but there was always some sort of ulterior motive. Sometimes he needed money. Brendon mailed Ryan a rather generous check on more than one occasion. Sometimes he was in town, but needed a ride somewhere. Brendon had driven Ryan to multiple different cities. Sometimes, he needed a place to stay, which is what brought him here in the first place. He had been here for just under a week. Things had more or less gone well. He slept on the pull out couch in the living room, while Brendon and Sarah slept comfortably in the neighboring bedroom. Brendon had slept uneasily the first few nights, knowing that Ryan was right there in the neighboring room. That Ryan was back in his life, with the same clouded uncertainty. How long would he be here this time? When was he going to leave again? What was he going to think about Sarah? Brendon knew he had probably been overthinking things, perhaps a bit overdramatic, but that was what Ryan Ross did to him. Without fail, every single time, he became an incoherent and obsessive mess.

Ryan and Sarah got along surprisingly well. Brendon could sense that Ryan was not happy for him, nor was he proud that he was engaged. Sarah seemed oblivious to it all. She would tell Brendon how ‘nice it was’ to meet one of his friends, or the ‘Ross kid’. Sarah had also invited Ryan to the wedding, though Ryan said he’d have to see what his schedule was going to be like in June. Brendon knew that Ryan just did not want to see him get married, he was so obvious. But then there was Sarah, Sarah was just so naïve, so sweet. She couldn’t see this, she just wanted to have Ryan be comfortable in the apartment, accommodate him in every single way. Brendon wouldn’t be surprised if Sarah attempted to change the wedding date so Brendon’s little ‘buddy’ could come to the wedding. The last thing Brendon wanted at this point was Ryan at his wedding. Not only because of the tension between the two of them, but the fact that he’d be there, while he was making all of the promises to Sarah. He didn’t want to give Ryan the satisfaction of knowing that he was the reason that Brendon had to lie through his teeth on the most important day of his life. With any luck, Ryan would just run off into the unknown like he always did after an allotted amount of time. Sarah would come back from shopping for her wedding dress, Brendon would smile and act like he didn’t cheat on Sarah with Ryan in their own bed. Everything would be fine, or at least that was what Brendon planned on telling himself. If it wasn’t fine, he’d just keep telling himself that it was until he started to believe his own lie. He had been trying to do that with his feelings for Ryan for years. That, obviously, had failed.

Brendon climbed out of the bed. He watched the thin curtains rock back and forth. The only light in the room was the light of the moon. Brendon watched the way the light of the moon hit Ryan’s face. Ryan had always liked the moon. Brendon could recall glow-in-the-dark stickers of the moon and stars above Ryan’s bed, as well as him writing many songs about the moon. Brendon himself had always preferred the sun. He loved the brightness of day. He loved when he woke up early enough to see the sunrise first thing in the morning. He loved the warmth of the sun, he loved when it was warm enough to go to the beach, to feel the sun beating down on him. It was the exact opposite of what Ryan preferred. Yet, one of the songs Brendon recalled Ryan writing contained the lyric ‘When the Moon fell in love with the Sun’, which Brendon always found funny. Because in this instance, the Moon did not love the sun, nor would the Moon ever love the Sun. But the Sun was infatuated with the Moon. The Sun had always been infatuated with the Moon, even though the Sun knew better and knew that it should not be so in love with the Moon. But the Day met the Night on one too many occasions. Because no matter how hard the Day tried to keep away, no matter how long Day would last on the hottest summer day, Night would inevitably fall. It could not escape. Much like how Brendon could not escape Ryan.

Brendon muttered a gentle ‘fuck’ under his breath as he suddenly had that song stuck in his head. He did not need it right now. He found himself looking away from the night sky and back down at Ryan sleeping. He had to get out for a moment. He grabbed the jeans that had been discarded earlier in the midst of misunderstood passion and slipped them back on. As he wiggled into the jeans, he did not notice Ryan’s boots by his feet. He stumbled over them, falling on the ground and creating a loud crash. Ryan jolted up, glancing down to Brendon on the floor. He rubbed his eyes a bit.

“What’s the matter, babe?” Ryan asked the other. Brendon stiffened up a bit as he heard Ryan call him ‘babe’.

“Nothing, I just need to run out and get something.” Brendon lied, throwing on a t-shirt.

“Now?” Ryan asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes, now.” Brendon said back somewhat coldly, mild irritation present in his tone of voice. He was not really mad at Ryan for asking the question, he just had a lot of frustration regarding the other due to all of the thinking he had been doing.

“You’re so weird.” Ryan mumbled as he turned back over and cuddled back into the warmth of the blankets and comforters. “Don’t be gone for too long, I want to cuddle. It’s cold in here.”

Brendon opted not to respond. He laced up his Converse sneakers. He was somewhat annoyed that Ryan was expecting him to just come back and cuddle him because he was cold. Again, Ryan’s needs were always expected to come first. Brendon was frustrated at the moment. He opened his mouth to call Ryan out on this, but when he looked back, the other was asleep again. Brendon just shook his head as he walked out the door, hands in his pockets. He really did not feel like going out. It’d be a hassle to drive, let alone figure out somewhere to go. So he just collapsed into the couch, beside his dogs. He glanced to the two of them, both fast asleep. Penny was snoring a bit. Brendon chuckled a bit as he rubbed her belly, finding a brief moment of escape from his thoughts of Ryan. But of course, they came back. Lately, he could not go more than a few minutes without thinking of Ryan in some way, shape, or form. And it was really starting to piss him off. He needed to change something. He needed to recognize why this needed to stop, he needed to recognize why Ryan Ross was no good for him, and why he needed to move on from him. Brendon needed a new perspective on his life, his life with Ryan. And the only way he was going to do this was to finally address every problem, not push it aside or dismiss it like he had done right now. He knew he was going to have to face Ryan at the end of this. But for now, he just needed his thoughts. So he thought long and hard. He went back to the beginning, back to where they began. 

Brendon Urie recalled his first ever known memory with Ryan Ross, and that was where it all began.


	2. Chapter 2

Brendon stood nervously in the classroom. He was eight years old, today was his first day of third grade. While the other children in his class all knew each other, Brendon knew not a single person. He was the new kid in school, and that was never easy. It was also his first time in a school like this. Brendon and his family had recently moved from Utah, a more or less sanctuary for Mormons like them. Brendon had been home-schooled by his mother up until then, as she deemed the public schools ‘inappropriate’ or ‘corrupting’. Brendon was young and naïve, he didn’t know any better. He just nodded and agreed with what his mother wanted. However, the reason they moved to Vegas at all was because his mother found a job. Meaning she would be working in a school, a high school, full time and could not teach Brendon anymore.

So here Brendon stood, in the middle of the classroom, more or less quivering in red high-top sneakers. He clutched tightly at the Power Rangers backpack on his back. He had just picked out the backpack the other day at the store, and was eager to show it off. He really hoped one of the kids would find it cool, he really wanted to make a friend. And the Power Rangers were awesome! Brendon had already been promised a Power Rangers themed Birthday party in April, when he’d be turning nine. It was currently March, meaning he had approximately a month to make friends to invite to his birthday party. Brendon had grown accustomed to having a big birthday party every year. All of the children from church would come, they’d play games and have cake, and everyone would give him presents. He loved his birthday! But his birthday was becoming one of his biggest fears as well. Of course, he wanted friends regardless of having anyone attend his party. But for an eight year old boy, this might as well be life or death.

Brendon hesitantly began to walk around the classroom. Most of the desks were currently vacant due to the students all mingling and chatting before class began. He noted the name cards on each desk, clearly showing where each student was supposed to sit. Brendon scanned each desk and read each name. He saw one that said Brandon, and nearly sat down, until he noticed that it was actually not his name. Brendon was growing nervous and anxious. His mind began to panic. What if he had the wrong classroom? What if his mother had dropped him off at the wrong school? In the midst of Brendon’s brief anxiety attack, he heard a voice call out to him.

“Hey! Cool backpack!” Brendon turned around to see a boy smiling brightly at him. He had brown hair, rather scruffy and messy. He was pretty tall for an eight year old also, he towered over Brendon. Brendon would have been scared had it not been for the way that the boy was smiling at him. For some reason, he felt like he could trust the tall boy. Like the other was just nice and sincere.

“Thanks…it’s new!” Brendon announced with a small smile as he stepped closer to the other boy.

“You’re the new kid, right? Mrs. Morgan said we’d be having a new kid come in today.” The boy explained. Brendon simply nodded in response at this. He wondered if the other kids knew a lot about him already. He wondered if they thought he was a dork or a freak. He really hoped that Mrs. Morgan hadn’t said anything like that about him. Brendon really didn’t know how teachers behaved or acted. He never had a teacher before, other than his mother. But she was still his mother before she was his teacher.

“I’m William!” The tall boy announced happily.

“I’m Brendon.” Brendon responded back, in a much quieter tone of voice. “Um, do you know where my desk is? I couldn’t find it…” Brendon said this even quieter, almost as if he were ashamed.

“Yeah, I know where EVERYONE sits.” William exclaimed, as though it were the biggest and most important deal in the world. Brendon, being only eight, was in awe that William knew every single kid in the room. There were so many kids! And not only that, but he knew where every single one of them sat. Brendon was probably more impressed than he should have been, but he didn’t say anything to let William know how marveled he was by it all. He simply let the tall boy lead him to his desk.

Brendon’s desk was in the back corner of the room. The desks were arranged in a row setting currently. On the way over to Brendon’s desk, William explained that was because the class had a math test the other day. He also explained that they sometimes would push the desks into tables. Brendon thought that sounded fun. He hoped they would be arranged in tables soon. Once at his desk, Brendon examined it. It was the same size as the other desks, with a colorful name tag in the center that read BRENDON, in all capital letters. He felt sort of special having a name tag like that. He suddenly felt a bit more relaxed in the school setting. Most problems and fears of an eight year old could thankfully be resolved quickly.

“Okay, the bell is gonna ring soon. And I have to go and talk to Sisky about last night’s X-Men. It was SO good.” William exclaimed.

“His name is…Sisky?” Brendon was confused. What kind of last name was that?

“Well, it’s a nickname! They’re fun.” William explained. “Hey, you should come and play kickball with us at recess. We need another guy in the outfield.” Brendon could not have said yes faster. Someone wanted to play with him at recess? He already had a friend! At least he hoped that William would be his friend. 

Little did Brendon know, he had made a friend for life in William Beckett on that first day of third grade. Though William Beckett was not the one that Brendon’s mind was often plagued with years later, nor was William the one that constantly gave Brendon the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows. That honor went to Ryan Ross, the boy who sat next to Brendon through the entirety of third grade.

Brendon took a seat in the assigned desk. He looked around the room, watching all of the children talk. He saw William talking to the boy who was apparently Sisky, noting how excited they both seemed. They must really like the X-Men. Brendon liked them too, though he thought the Power Rangers were much cooler. He wasn’t allowed to watch that much television in general, his mother didn’t like it. As much as he wanted to join in the conversation, he did not want to make a fool out of himself, especially in front of his new friend.

“I have some bubblegum in my desk, come on.” Brendon turned his head in the direction of that voice. He watched two boys walk over. They were around the same height, Brendon’s height. One boy was a bit chubby, though nothing too serious. The other boy was…very odd. He was very skinny, and he almost had a feminine look to him. He looked young too, Brendon briefly wondered if he was maybe in a second grader. But there was something about the way he carried himself, the way he walked over, the way he went to get /gum/, that Brendon immediately felt intimidated by the baby-faced boy. He looked away as he noticed the other look over at him. The skinny boy smiled a bit, but it was not anywhere near as warm and welcoming as William’s smile. Brendon felt rather scared and intimidated by the smile.

“That must be the new kid, Spencer.” The skinny boy said to the boy, whom Brendon now saw as Spencer. Spencer simply nodded at this. He seemed more interested in the promise of bubble gum than the fascination over the new kid.

“Uh…yeah, I’m new.” Brendon mumbled. He didn’t really like the way they were talking about him, it felt kind of mean. “I’m Brendon.”

“I’m Ryan.” The feminine boy introduced.

“Spencer.” He was currently rummaging around Ryan’s desk for the aforementioned gum. Ryan meanwhile was looking at Brendon rather intently. His eyes fixated on the backpack at Brendon’s feet. He immediately smiled at the backpack, though it was still the same smile as before. Brendon got nervous once again, but the words that came out of his mouth erased all of the uncertainties.

“I like your backpack.” Ryan began. “So, who would win a fight – The Power Rangers or the X-Men?”

“The Power Rangers, duh!” Brendon exclaimed as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Ryan smiled a bit wider, seeming happy with Brendon’s response. “I mean, they are so much more powerful! And stronger, and faster!”

“I know!” Ryan agreed enthusiastically as he leaned against Brendon’s desk a bit. “William and me fight about it all the time, he thinks Cyclops would beat the Red Ranger!”

“No way!” Eight year old Brendon began to rethink his newly formed friendship with William. Could he really be friends with someone who thought that Cyclops could beat the Red Ranger in a fight? Now that was just crazy!

“I know, William is so stupid.” Brendon was a bit uncomfortable as he heard that. He liked William still, even if he was /completely/ wrong about the Power Rangers. But he also liked Ryan. But he also wanted to be friends with William, because William had been so nice to him. So he did what was the easiest way to get out of any uncomfortable social situation, at any age: he changed the subject completely.

“My birthday is next month!” Brendon exclaimed happily. “And my Mom said I can have a Power Rangers birthday party.”

“Are you going to have a Power Rangers cake?” Brendon nodded. “Balloons?” He nodded again. “Games?” Again.

“It’s going to be awesome!” Brendon decided, even if the party had not happened yet. “You can come, if you wanna. I mean, my Mom is gonna make invitations for me to hand out. But, I’ll give you a special one too.” Ryan seemed pleased with this. He smiled widely at it, liking the sound of getting a special invitation and a high priority on Brendon’s invitation list, despite having just met him.

“Okay, I’ll come.” Ryan agreed, though Brendon was a bit disappointed in the other’s lack on enthusiasm. “So, are you turning nine or ten?”

“Nine.” Brendon said, assuming this was the norm. His Mom told him all of the kids in the class would be the same age as him.

“Well, I’m already nine.” Ryan bragged. “I’m turning ten in August.” Brendon’s initial reaction was a further escalation of the intimidation he had been feeling earlier. Ryan was older, maybe that was why he seemed so scary. But then the fear and intimidation was replaced with confused. His mother told him that everyone in the class would bet the same age. If Ryan was already nine, shouldn’t he be in the fourth grade?

“But you can’t be turning ten this year.” Brendon began. “Because if you’re nine, then you’d be in fourth grade.”

“Well…I’m nine and I’m turning ten! So that means I’m older than you.” Ryan said defensively.

“O-okay!” Brendon agreed immediately, the intimidation returning to him once again. He would not realize it then, but years later he’d learn that Ryan had repeated the second grade. An insecurity that he would have all the way up to high school.

Ryan didn’t seem too bad about how harsh he had been on Brendon, who was not only the new kid, but was having his first ever school experience. Brendon was quiet after this. He already decided that he wasn’t going to talk to Ryan again until he talked to him first. He did watch Ryan take the pack of gum from Spencer out of the corner of his eye and take a large piece. Spencer mumbled something about needing to get to his desk before the bell rang, which it did mere seconds after he walked away. Mrs. Morgan, the teacher, was still writing math problems on the board. Brendon watched her, wanting to make a good impression and appear to be a good student on his first day. He did glance over to his right as he heard Ryan loudly whispering ‘Psssst’ to him.

“Do you play soccer?” Ryan whispered to the other. Brendon had experimented in most sports, like any child, though he wasn’t good at one sport in particular. He did nod in response though. 

“Come play soccer with me and Spencer today at recess.” Ryan said, before he turned his attention back to the front of the class room as Mrs. Morgan began to address to class. Brendon’s immediate reaction was to be confused and conflicted. He had already promised William that he’d play kickball with him and his friends. And he wanted to play with William. Kickball sounded more fun than soccer. But there was something about Ryan that Brendon was both afraid of and both intrigued by. At nine years old, he had no idea what it was. He assumed it had to do with the fact that he was afraid of Ryan, and saying no to Ryan would definitely be difficult. But for whatever reason, Brendon already knew what sport he was going to be playing with at recess and whom he’d be playing it with.

 

 

As Brendon thought back to that first day of third grade, he winced. He did not consider the fact that his memory was clouded. There was a lot that he could not recall. He didn’t remember his ninth birthday very well, he did not remember his entry into middle school, he barely remembered his departure from high school. But that day, despite it being fifteen years ago, he still remembered it with such detail. And that was solely because Ryan Ross was there. Not only was Ryan Ross there, but Brendon was able to realize and see how little his relationship with Ryan changed. Back then, he felt attachment to Ryan from the start. Almost a dependency, he needed Ryan. It had been disguised by colorful superheroes back then, but it was still very much there. As was the intimidation and fear that he often had with Ryan. In third grade, it had manifested due to Ryan’s assertion of being older. But it never left. Why was Brendon so afraid of Ryan? Brendon should not afraid of him. He had no reason to be anymore. He had a career, he had a job. Ryan was older than him and in a worse place, he was mooching off whomever was stupid enough to take him in. And in this case, it was Brendon. It was always Brendon.

Brendon suddenly felt a lot of guilt over how shitty he had been to William back then. William was nice, trying to be a sincere friend. Ryan was only using him because of the promise of a Power Rangers birthday. Brendon knew that he should not let what happened in the third grade determine his relationships now, but he was exhausted and a bit overly emotional. Anything was possible at four in the morning. Including the text message he suddenly decided to send William.

 _I’m sorry for being a huge dick to you on my first day of third grade._  
He assumed that the other would read it when he woke up, he doubted anyone but him would be up this late. He was surprised when he saw his phone vibrate a few seconds later, seeing an incoming text message from William.

_What? Why the hell are you sending me this? Isn’t it like four in the morning in Cali anyway?_

Brendon looked at the clock. It certainly was. He had also forgotten that William was in New York for the week with Gabe. And knowing the two of them, well, more so knowing the personalities of the two men, they were either just getting up or stayed up all night. Based on the way William was texting, Brendon assumed the first of the two.

_Yeah, it is. Just accept my apology, alright? I owe you a game of kickball_

Brendon knew he sounded pretty ridiculous right now, but he was too tired and too emotional to care. Despite all of that, he couldn’t just go and sleep it off. Even if he decided to use the couch over sharing his bed with Ryan, he was in too deep of thoughts to turn around now.

_Alright? Apology accepted, I think. But while we’re going down memory lane, I owe you for letting me copy your math homework every day in seventh grade_

Brendon chuckled as he read this. Middle school had been a weird time. Full of confusion, anxieties, and a puberty. All of which was of course heightened, due to the ever so prominent presence of Ryan Ross in his life. Middle school was definitely the time when it reached a new height and a new level of stress. Brendon didn’t notice his phone vibrate right away, as he started to become lost in his own mind again. Something that was both dangerous and exciting. He finally looked down at his phone a few moments later, mainly because the flashing light was distracting. 

_I gotta go, I need to feed Gabe breakfast before he eats my shoe. Get some sleep, Brendon, you seem off. We’ll have lunch or something when I’m back in Cali_

Brendon did not respond, nor did he plan on taking William’s advice, as much as he wanted to or wished he would. He found himself lost in another memory, a memory that of course centered on Ryan Ross. Because what else did Brendon really bother remembering anymore?


	3. Chapter 3

The days of playgrounds and small desks were long gone. The small hallways, the sheer shock over how short the kindergartners were all became a memory before Brendon could even blink. His elementary school days were over, he was now about to enter his teenage years and the world of middle school. Entering a new grade had always been pretty exciting for Brendon, with new perks associated with each year. He was constantly looking forward to being in the top year of the school, which was the sixth grade. In his mind, he would not have to worry about bullying or pressuring from older kids. Because he would be the older kid. Bullying was something that Brendon had always had a bit of a problem with. He was small for his age, he was skinny, he wore huge glasses, he came from a background that wasn’t typical or traditional for most American kids. Some of the kids made fun of the weird things that Brendon’s family would do, as well as the things that Brendon was not allowed to do because of his being Mormon. As a result, Brendon became rather shy and introverted. He was afraid to raise his hand in class, because some of the kids would snicker at how high-pitched his voice still was. He was afraid to ask to be included in a kickball game, because he’d either be excluded or some of the bigger boys would purposefully try to kick the ball right at him. He had come home with broken glasses on more than one occasion; he couldn’t afford to break them yet again. Fear just became an extremely common emotion for Brendon. He was scared of doing anything, because the fear of ridicule was so present. The only time he wasn’t afraid was when he was around Ryan. 

After the third grade, Brendon and Ryan were placed in separate classes for the remaining three years of elementary school. Brendon at first was more or less isolated in the fourth grade. Even William was placed in another class, the same class as Ryan. But during recess and lunch, Brendon would instantly cling to Ryan. He refused to leave Ryan’s side during that time because Ryan defended and protected him. Ryan was the one to always defend Brendon when kids were teasing him or picking on him. Many of the kids actually listened and respected Ryan not only because he was outspoken and unafraid, but because of his being a year older. While teachers and adults saw Ryan’s being a year old as a sign of weakness and the need for more attention, the children viewed Ryan as their senior. In an elementary school hierarchy, bigger and older meant that no one was going to give you a hard time. 

Most of the time, Ryan and Spencer wouldn’t even include Brendon in the conversation. Brendon really didn’t care though, he was just happy to be safe from the ridicule. By sixth grade, most of Brendon’s fear went away. Because he knew that even if the kids in class teased him, he could go right to Ryan when the bell rang and be safe. With the first day of seventh grade approaching though, the fear returned for Brendon. Middle school was going to be completely different. He was going to have seven different teachers, he was going to have a locker, he was going to have to get to class on time, and the high school was right next door. Few things were more scary to a small twelve year old boy than a seventeen year old high school senior. Brendon had been dreading the start of middle school for some time and was more or less in a state of shock when the calendar turned to September 1st.

“Brendon, relax.” Ryan and Brendon were walking to school. The night before, Brendon had convinced Ryan to stop by so they could walk together. Spencer was with them too, though he was much more occupied with the Gameboy Color he had received as an early birthday/first day of school present. “I want to play at lunch, Spencer.”

“In your dreams.” Spencer mumbled as he kept on smashing buttons quickly. Though Spencer’s attention was more or less completely focused on the video game, he still was very attentive to his surroundings. He avoided all rocks and cracks or anything he could trip over. Brendon on the other hand had fallen down probably five times already. He was a nervous wreck. Brendon opened his mouth to speak, but ended up tripping over another crack in the sidewalk. His glasses fell off in the process as well. Ryan sighed and picked up his glasses, then helped Brendon up.

“Brendon, you /need/ to relax.” Ryan emphasized. He made a face at the glasses then looked at the shorter boy. “Do you have to wear these glasses?”

“Well…yeah, I can’t see without them.” Brendon said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“But we’re in middle school now, Bren.” Ryan emphasized. “Don’t you think you’re too old to be wearing these dorky glasses?”

“But I need my glasses. I can’t see without them and my Mom said I can’t get contacts until I’m sixteen.” Brendon mumbled. He felt like he was making Ryan mad with his answer. That was further confirmed when the other more or less shoved the glasses on his face.

“Whatever, don’t say I didn’t try to help you.” Ryan mumbled before he kept walking. “Spencer!” He exclaimed as he saw the other was already halfway down the block. He had kept walking when Ryan had stopped to try to help Spencer. Brendon frowned a bit as he took off his glasses to examine them. He squinted a bit. Everything was blurry, he really couldn’t see without them. Even though he wanted to be cool and to make Ryan happy, he was still more concerned about what his mother would say if he came home with another broken pair of glasses. Brendon sighed as he put his glasses back on his face. With the enhanced vision, he saw Ryan and Spencer were already turning the corner. 

“Guys, wait up!” Brendon called out as he scampered over to catch up. He managed not to trip, surprisingly, though was out of breath by the time he returned to his usual spot at Ryan’s side. As they turned the corner, they got a face to face view of the middle school. There were several awkward seventh graders exiting cars and hesitantly approaching the school. The more confident eighth graders walked inside like they owned the place. Brendon gulped nervously at this.

“Well, let’s go.” Ryan said as he headed to the steps. Ryan’s confidence and older age definitely made him seem like an eighth grader. Brendon even noticed some of the eighth grade girls giving small smiles to Ryan. Spencer followed in Ryan’s suit, his eyes still glued on the small screen. Brendon was more hesitant, though he did follow. He practically ran inside at the last sight he saw. In the gap between the middle and high school he saw two high schoolers, a tall Hispanic teen and a shorter punk teen, shoving a middle schooler around. Brendon made a mental note to never go in that gap area.

Once inside the school, Brendon completely lost sight of Ryan and Spencer. He had never actually compared his schedule to Ryan’s, he had no idea if they had any classes together. Brendon nervously took out the folded piece of paper from his pocket and reviewed his schedule. He had Math in room 217, which meant that it was on the second floor, which meant finding a staircase. Brendon looked around at all of the students knowing exactly where to go. And then there was poor Brendon, who didn’t even know where the stairs were. He awkwardly wandered around too timid to ask anyone. He became so distracted with trying to find the stairs, he didn’t keep an eye on where he was going and ended up colliding into someone. Brendon fell back a bit, snapping out of it as he realized he hit someone. His initial reaction was to of course apologize.

“I’m so sorry, I wasn’t watching where I was going.” Brendon apologized nervously.

“Oh, it’s fine.” The stranger said politely. Brendon examined the slightly pudgy blonde boy. He looked exhausted, he had a few bruises along his arms and he was holding his broken glasses in one hand. Brendon immediately connected that this was the boy he saw getting bullied by the two high school boys on his way inside. “Do you have any tape?” The blonde boy asked as he held up his broken glasses.

“I actually do.” Brendon’s mother learned to always include scotch tape on the back to school shopping list because of how much Brendon broke his glasses. He went over to a bench so he could search his backpack for the tape.

“I’m Patrick, by the way.” The blonde boy introduced.

“I’m Brendon.” Brendon responded as he briefly smiled at the other before he resumed searching his bag.

“Seventh grader?” Patrick asked.

“Is it that obvious?” Brendon mumbled, suddenly feeling self-conscious.

“Yeah. But don’t worry, I was just as bad last year. It’s the inevitable curse of seventh grade, you can’t escape it.” Patrick said as he laughed a bit. Brendon found the tape and handed it to the other so he could tape up his glasses. Patrick smiled and gratefully took the tape as he began to tape them back up. Brendon just watched the other, remaining pretty quiet. Though curiosity got the best of him.

“Did those guys outside do this to your glasses?” Brendon eventually asked, his curiosity getting the best of him.

“Yeah.” Patrick mumbled, his tone of voice suddenly becoming bitter and exhausted. “Pete and Gabe are some of the lowest scums on this Earth.” Patrick had a fairly extensive vocabulary for a thirteen year old boy. “They’re high schoolers, juniors. Except they’re both seventeen, they repeated the eighth grade, I think. I heard a rumor that Pete’s actually eighteen. Apparently he repeated the eighth grade twice.” Brendon’s mind immediately went to Ryan at the mention of repeating years.

“Do they pick on middle schoolers a lot?” Brendon asked, suddenly becoming very afraid of the two older boys.

“Kind of, mainly when they don’t have any cigarettes.” Patrick explained. “My best advice is to just to avoid the high school at all costs. The high schoolers are usually too busy bullying the freshmen, but it’s just better off to avoid it at all costs. Especially Pete and Gabe, they are the only seventeen year olds I know that bully twelve year olds.” Patrick finished taping his glasses up. He examined them and sighed. “First day of the year and I’m already taping my glasses up.” He put them on his face before he handed Ryan the roll of tape.

“They really don’t look that bad!” Brendon exclaimed. He was being honest. He had to wear taped glasses on more than one occasion too. Patrick just smiled a bit.  
“Thanks. What class do you have first? You seemed pretty lost before.” Patrick commented. Brendon blushed a bit. Was he really that obvious? He looked down at his schedule again, just to be sure that he did have the right class. “Um, I’ve got Math. Room 217. I was trying to find the staircase.”

“It’s right down the hall, to the left. It’s pretty big, you can’t miss it. Once you’re upstairs, just walk down the hall. 217 is the last room down that hall.” Patrick explained.

“Wow, thanks!” Brendon said as he put his schedule away. A bell rang suddenly. Brendon’s immediate reaction was to panic. He was going to be late on the first day. Patrick simply chuckled.

“Relax, that’s just the warning bell. You’ve got a few minutes to get to class still.” Patrick assured. “I better get to my class. Thanks again for the tape, Brendon. And if you need any help with anything else, just let me know.”

“Thank you, thank you so much!” Brendon responded enthusiastically before he hurried off to class. Even though Patrick assured him that he had time before the final bell rang, he still felt so restless. He successfully made it to his first class with plenty of time to spare. He joined the group of fellow awkward seventh graders and took his seat.

 

The rest of the day went pretty well for Brendon. Most of the day was just his teachers introducing themselves and explaining what they were going to be doing in class. He also found out that he had English and lunch with William, so that was pretty cool. At lunch, William was nice enough to let Brendon sit with him and to introduce him to some of his new friends. Though Brendon’s first day of middle school had gone pretty well, he still had not seen Ryan since they arrived. He saw Spencer on his own in the hallways with his Gameboy, though he didn’t dare approach Spencer. Especially not when he was in the middle of gaming. Brendon realized that he was not going to have Ryan as his safety net. They didn’t even have the same lunch period, and recess was a thing of the past. He didn’t even know where the other had gone off to. As the final bell rang, Brendon walked out of his English class with William. They both made stops at their lockers before heading out of the main door.

“Do you want a ride home?” William asked as he recognized his mother’s car.

“I should really find Ryan. We walked to school together.” Brendon mumbled as he examined the outside area for Ryan. William sighed and rolled his eyes at the mention of Ryan Ross, clearly not too fond of the other. Brendon finally caught sight of Ryan – standing in the space between the middle and high school with none other than Pete and Gabe. They were laughing about something that Gabe had said, from what Brendon could tell. Brendon watched as Pete lit a cigarette and took a drag before handing it to Ryan, who also took a drag. Brendon’s eyes widened at the sight.

“He’s going to get in so much trouble.” William mumbled.

“Hey, Brendon!” Ryan said as he caught sight of the other. Brendon immediately froze as the two older boys also looked over to him. The three moved over toward Brendon and William. “I haven’t seen you all day. Kind of sucks that we don’t have any classes together, huh?”

“Uh…yeah.” Brendon mumbled, suddenly feeling extremely uncomfortable in the presence of the two high school boys. The presence of cigarettes was not helping at all either.

“Nice glasses.” The shorter one, whom Brendon assumed was Pete, said with a smirk. Brendon immediately clutched onto his glasses, in fear that Pete was going to take them and break them.

“Uh, thanks.” Brendon forced himself to respond.

“Nice hair, kid.” Gabe said to William. “You kind of look like a cute girl from behind.”

William was none too amused by this. He ignored the older boy. “Brendon, are you sure you don’t want a ride?”

“Uh, I think I’ll actually take you up on that.” Brendon mumbled before he looked to Ryan. “Ryan…do you want a ride home from William’s Mom?”

“Nah, I’m going to stay and hang out.” Ryan’s response was the exact opposite of what Brendon wanted to hear.

“B-but, what about Spencer? How’s he going to get home?” Brendon immediately choked out.

“Spencer’s a big boy, he can walk by himself. I’ll pick you up to walk to school tomorrow, Brendon. Later.” Ryan said as he took another drag of the cigarette and walked back over to the spot that they had been hanging out in before. Brendon didn’t want to leave Ryan alone with the two older boys. They were bad kids, they were so much older too, and they were bullies. What if Ryan became a bully too? What if his savior became his bully? Brendon’s mind raced with possibilities. Once in the car, he kept his eyes fixed on Ryan until they turned the corner and he could no longer see the other and the school.

 

 

Brendon had gone into the bathroom to rinse his face. He felt refreshed as the cool water rushed down his face. He noticed his thick-rimmed glasses that were currently sitting on the counter. They were his spare ones. He slipped them on and examined himself in his glasses.

“Still too dorky for you, huh?” He asked. When he and Ryan had first begun their intimacy, the first thing that Ryan did was take off his glasses. He had thrown them aside carelessly. Obviously Ryan still did not like him in glasses, or perhaps just glasses in general. Brendon only really wore his glasses when he was home. When he was out, he wore his contacts. He wondered if this was perhaps a result of the advice that he had received so many years ago from Ryan. Sarah on the other hand liked his glasses. She always encouraged Brendon to wear his glasses more. But Brendon never really did, he was always putting in his contacts if he knew he was going out. He wondered if this was because of Ryan Ross. His entire night tonight was centered around Ryan Ross. It began with sex with Ryan Ross, then it became a constant trip down memory lane centered around Ryan Ross. Yet Brendon couldn’t bring himself to stop recalling all of the memories. He would recall one simple memory and then remember something completely different. Though each memory was different, they all had the same common theme of Ryan Ross. Like his entire life had been for so many years.

With every new memory, with every new thing he found, he somehow related it back to Ryan and his relationship with Ryan. It seemed that no matter what he did, no matter how old he got, nearly everything in his life connected back to Ryan Ross. The man who never loved him, the never who would never love him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay in updating. My summer job has been killing my muse for writing fic.


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